How to Set Boundaries in Relationships
Detachment Creates Powerful and Sane Relationships
Sep 1, 2009
A boundary is not a wall that protects one against feeling vulnerable. Walls of armory, which guard against other people, also shut out the ability to relate to others fully. The automatic reaction to feeling vulnerable is to put up the shutters and wear the mask of personality as a measure for safety. The problem with this behaviour is that it also guards being truthful, and that contradicts with having equal and healthy relationships.
Open and Healthy Relationships
A healthy relationship is based on trust, which comprises of openness and sharing. This can only come from an open heart, not a shielded one. For some, an open-hearted individual ends up in a situation of giving too much of their self, to the extent they no longer know how they feel, but know how the other feels.
Within the system of The Enneagram, there is a description of the "heart centre" type, who can walk into a room and quickly know what people are feeling and adjust accordingly to the others’ needs without being aware of their change. In the search of finding stability within, it is often sought for outside of the self.
In the Tree of Life of Kabbalah, giving out loving kindness is called "chesed" and is counteracted by "gevura," which is restraint, or the ability to hold back. In balance the "tiferet," meaning "beauty," shines out from the heart. This system exemplifies the way boundaries maintain healthy relationships.
Coping with Vulnerability in Relationships
Humans are born into the world in a helpless and innocent state. They are totally dependent upon parents, caregivers and the significant people in their lives for their early years. To cope with this state of vulnerability, the human psyche devises an array of defense mechanisms. Throughout childhood, the defenses form patterns of behaviour that enable humans to survive. Depending on the degree that these are relied upon, that is whether early life is safe and nurturing or whether there is a lot of instability or even abuse, is to how strong the coping mechanisms grow to be in adulthood.
In adulthood, even if many skills and abilities to live independently have been formed, feeling vulnerable still remains a feeling within, and for some can be overwhelming. Defense mechanisms are then automatically triggered for protection.
Creating Relationship Boundaries
Metaphorically, a boundary is like a tea strainer. It allows the fluidity between people but catches the "stuff" of transference which can become imposing. A healthy boundary defines where one person finishes and another starts. This detachment allows for giving and receiving but not controlling or obsession with another person's behaviour.
Boundaries mean:
- Letting others take care of their own affairs;
- Not doing for others what they need to do for themselves;
- Not creating or preventing a crisis;
- Not manipulating others to carry out some aspect of their lives in accordance to one’s own, and;
- Being in charge of only the things one needs to oversee.
A boundary is when one recognizes and remains connected with ones own feelings while in contact with another. It is from the feeling of remaining connected to the feelings that provide the protection from feeling vulnerable and needing to use defense mechanisms for protection.
Source:
- Codependence and the Power of Detaachment, Karen Casey (2008).
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