Stop Feeling Guilty
How to Find and Heal Guilt at the Source
Guilt is a natural part of relationships. Guilt occurs when one person in a relationship feels as though he or she has let down another person or group of people. No one likes feeling inadequate. But no one can be everything to everybody. Learn to embrace and heal guilt by understanding guilt's source, facing it, and opening the self up to healing.
Understand Guilt's Source
Guilt is connected with shame. Guilt involves feeling bad because of what you have done or not done; whereas, shame involves feeling bad because of who you are.Therapist John Bradshaw, in Healing the Shame that Binds You, describes shame as that sinking feeling in your stomach that you are not good enough, that you don't deserve to live, that you don't deserve anyone's love.
Indeed, shame is the source of negative thoughts and self-deprecating behavior. Everyone struggles with shame, though what one chooses to do with it can greatly increase personal happiness.
Guilt enters the equation when a person, who may feel shame and not good enough for the other's love in the first place, lets the other down. A mother cannot buy everything for her child. A daughter cannot solve her father's girl-friend problems. A sister cannot fix her brother's drug addiction. Indeed, no one can be everything to everybody, and letting down others is a part of life. The key to healing guilt in any relationship is accepting that you are not responsible for other's lives.
Finding the Source of Guilt
Pinpointing where one feels inadequate in a relationship is the source of healing shame and guilt. Try the following meditative exercise to become aware of guilt's source in a particular relationship or situation.
Step 1: Sit quietly, in a comfortable place without distractions, with thirty minutes or more to spare. Relax and take time to breathe deeply, letting go of all cares and stresses.
Step 2: Bring to mind a certain relationship or situation where you feel guilty. Ask yourself what the other person expects from you. Then ask yourself what you expect from the other person. Give yourself the opportunity to feel any feelings that may arise during the questioning. If, for any reason, you feel terribly frightened or overwhelmed, do stop. Perhaps the guilt is deep rooted and would be best explored in therapy.
Step 3: Reflect on the differences between the other person's needs and your needs. Ask yourself if you can fulfill what that person expects from you. If the answer is no, explore why you feel obligated to be someone you cannot be in this relationship. Again, if any feelings come up, allow them to surface, but stop if they become overwhelming or terrifying.
Step 4: Remind yourself that you are not responsible for the other peron's life. Repeat this phrase until you actually believe it. Negative thoughts may surface, fueled by inner shame. Challenge these thoughts with positive affirmations until you feel peaceful. Examples could include, "I'm a beautiful person, no matter how I feel, "I am a caring person no matter who I let down," or "I don't have to do anything to be loved."
Step 5: Visualize a bright light shining down on you and the relationship in question, and allow the light to warm and brighten the relationship. Visualize yourself handing over the relationship into the light, and concentrate on the light filling any emptiness you may feel inside. Let the light fill you until you feel peaceful.
Step 5: Journal about the experience, share it with a friend or therapist who may shed further light on the experience, or possibly even the person in the relationship who is the source of guilt and shame if you deem it appropriate after reflection.
Challenging guilt in relationships involves openness and self-honesty. Positive affirmations, healthy decision-making, and choosing warm, mutual relationships are key to breaking a cycle of shame and guilt. Take time to explore why guilt has surfaced in a particular relationship, and constantly challenge negative thoughts with positive ones. With time and persistence, guilt will no longer be a binding monster, but a barometer for something not quite right in a relationship.
Bradshaw, John. Healing the Shame that Binds You. Health Communications. 1988.
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